I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Randomize
