so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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