Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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