oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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