he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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