My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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