Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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