Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
