I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
