Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Randomize