I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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