everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
