someone get that fucking seahorse.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
