He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
