Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
