My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
