his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
