The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you inspire me to be a worse person
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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