I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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