Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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