im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Randomize
