what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
