Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
