I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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