My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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