Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
