Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
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