we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
