I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
