dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
