yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
