You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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