cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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