why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
