dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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