: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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