I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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