dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
