I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
