So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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