I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
