I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
