By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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