I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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