Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
