i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
