They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
