I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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