How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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