Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
