The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
