I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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