shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
