five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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