Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
