She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize