I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
