i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
