remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
the condom got lost in my hair
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
