I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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